picking up the pieces

i'm trying to get my life back on track.. i realized that i'm quite different nowadays.. i'm not as witty as i was in my Alpha year.. i kind miss being the 'Alpha Me'.. coz at that time, i didn't care whatever comes at me, i'll just accept it, deal with it and move on.. when i deal with it, i really throw all my guts out to solve it.. but, now... haih... i'l just wait.. n wait.. n wait... untill the problem never really settled.. i'm hopping my problems would be settled without me doing anything about it.. that's not a really good practice.. Allah tells us to "bertawakkal".. He told us to try our hardest to work on the problem with whatever we have and leave the rest to Him.. but me, i just left all the works to Him, which is not good..

i know i have to change.. there are alot of things that i need to change about myself.. but, i need help.. especially my God's help.. but, you know something bout me is that i usually don't like to ask for anybody's help coz i hate bothering and burdening people.. i felt guilty if i did so.. yes i did asked favours from some of you.. but, inside, i felt guilty.. you may not see it on my face.. but, yea i did.. it's not that i don't want all of you to help, i just don't want anybody to look at me as a burden.. i'm not trying to look for sympathy here.. i hate it when anybody say i'm looking for sympathy when i'm actually not.. i hate it when people say false things about me.. who wouldn't? i just want to voice out what i'm going through.. all i ask from any of you is to understand and tell me that "it's ok... everything's going to be fine.." that's all..

i got alot of things going on right now.. i'd appreciate it if everyone who reads this would understand me and will not be mad at me if i didn't do whatever you ask me to or i ignore you.. i'm trully sorry if i did anything wrong to all of you.. i'm not perfect.. i wish i can be perfect.. that way, i won't hurt anyone, i'll do all my works brilliantly and submit my works exactly at the given time.. i know i like to procastinate, easily gets distracted, lazy and stubborn.. believe me, i really want to get rid of those things and be as perfect human being ever! i bet all of you wouldn't believe that.. but, that's exactly what i'm wishing for right now..

so here's what i've thought of.. i want to be offline for... i'm not sure.. maybe untill i'm ready to interact with the outer world.. that means.. no ym, no blogging, no myspace/friendster updates, no messages/phone calls (i'll only answer to my mama, papa, kakja n home.. not anyone else..) plus no more outside jobs.. if you are asking me to do anything at all aside from my study, i won't accept it.. maybe you can try to ask me later when i've done all of my stranded works.. apart from that, i don't want to go out either.. i'll only go out for class, eat, on-air and go back home.. no party, no outings, no dates, no rambling around doing nonbeneficial stuff and wasting my precious time.. this is because, i really want to focus on my studies right now.. if you want to know, i haven't done any of the most important assignments.. i think it's because i've been doing all of the other stuff that doesn't have anything to do with my study.. all of my assignments are really really important for me because it marks wether i'm fit to be a Beta (2nd year) student or not.. if i kill all of my first assignments, i won't get a good result, my lecturers will look down on me and will always think that i'm a useless student, my friends will think that i'm a jerk or lazy girl, my parents will be dissapointed in me, not to mention more nagging.. in other words, there goes degree n my life..


these are the list of the important things i should do by the end of this week/next week:

Studies

• Media Innovation Design Process
  - assignment 1- tshirt design
  - design process
• Computer Modelling
  - assignment 1- 3D phone model
• Computer Environment
  - powerpoint slides (notes)
  - website revamp (no more hideous downloaded templates)
• Scripting
  - assignment 1- animated storybook in Flash

Miscellaneous

• Hulala Artsy namecard (sorry for taking such a long time.. i'll try to finish it by friday next week)
• Syira's family day invitation card (sorry i didn't do it earlier on.. i'll try to finish it by tomorrow)
• Emas Sutera logo (don't worry mama.. i won't let you down.. i won't break my promises.. i already sketched the design)
• DCL pictures (should've give these to Kakja 2 weeks ago...)
• PD trip pictures (i'm uploading em right now.. d net's soo slow...)

all of these jobs may look easy to do.. but i'm telling you, each of it needs at least 1 week to do.. but all i got is 1 week.. 1 week for 9 works.. 9 works that should've been done for 7++ weeks at least.. huh.. help me, God...